Fear of intimacy may not be a sign he (she) has a fear of commitment to be with you, but it could. It also could be a sign of something scarier, an experience that pierced my heart and hopefully you can avoid. I really hope so. It could be a sign your husband (wife) fears physical closeness. The scary part of that means they might prefer to jump from one sexual partner to another. Fear of intimacy is one of the 9 serial cheater profile traits from my main post.
My soon-to-be-ex-wife described casual sexual encounters with a few men she met before we dated. The experience for her seemed so laid back it was if it was no more intimate than going out for pizza. The first time we discussed sex she expressed shame admitting she had casual sex with different partners. Recently part of her weak attempt to explain why she cheated again was she didn’t feel comfortable in a deep relationship.
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Does He Have a Fear of Intimacy? Is There a Lack of Sexual Connection?
Intimacy does not only refer to sexual intimacy. A lack of intimacy could simply mean your husband does not yearn for that deep connection like you do or like I do with someone. That sexual connection is the ultimate expression of togetherness and for my relationship that fire has long disappeared- not because of my choice. It’s a lost cause as you can see from reading the rest of my infidelity blog.
In your case perhaps you need to just rekindle your romance. Although that could be dangerous too if your relationships lifeline depends on restarting your love engine over and over again. Or maybe it’s a sign of something more disturbing like it was for me.
The hard truth is some people are not meant for long-term relationships. They fear to make a connection and to share their biggest secrets with you. Frankly the thought of sharing with someone and being with someone forever scares them.
In my case I should have listened to my own instincts. If you want to avoid heartache and a feeling of lost time then please heed the warning signs. My wife enjoyed the attention and caring treatment I showered her with in the beginning, but my sixth sense felt an un-nerving undercurrent beneath us. Something didn’t settle right with me.
She seemed to have a deep insecurity issue. She sought validation and admiration from others to build up her self-esteem. Her desire for just casual sex would surface again. It was her fear of intimacy and fear of commitment.
Fear of Intimacy and the Clock’s Countdown
In the beginning she would tell me how the men she had sex with before she had no feeling for. I was the first man she felt serious about. Our sex was great for a long time. In the back of my mind I felt a tick, like a clock ticking. It was like time was running out, even from the beginning.
She locked up many deep feelings down in some hidden emotional vault. She never felt comfortable expressing herself around her family or friends about anything other than small talk and career related topics.
I felt the combination of everything she described about her past, her culture (she’s from Japan) and her need for admiration didn’t point in a good direction for me down the road. I took my chances.
Casual Sex, Sexual Problems and the Fear of Intimacy
I found this helpful post to cope with understanding how fear of intimacy and fear of commitment could have led her to cheat. Relationship coach Jay Reiss explains how casual sex is safe for someone with a fear of intimacy because they are void of emotions. The deep connection that usually is part of the package in a committed relationship scares them.
Does your husband have a past of several casual sexual experiences?
Jay also shared how he believes men who have sexual performance issues like erectile dysfunction or impotence could actually just have a fear of intimacy to close to their partner. And some women who have difficulty to reach orgasm may experience a fear of intimacy too.
Does he (she) have any sexual performance insecurities?
Jay points out how important it is for any of us who desire a deep connection in our relationships to compare healthy intimacy and healthy intimacy side-by-side.
- Healthy Intimacy. Mutual trust and closeness should exist in your relationship. Do you have an emotional, intellectual, spiritual and sexual connection with your husband (wife)?
- Unhealthy Intimacy. Lack of trust, no mutual sharing of feelings, there’s no mutual emotional bond between you and your partner. In my case it seemed to disappear for her. Lack of sex, sexual problems and commitment issues do not exist. Does this describe your situation?
Jay offers treatment solutions that could lead to recovery for those open for help.
I sometimes felt like my wife was just avoiding getting close. She doesn’t seem to have many close friends, she prefers acquaintances. Does your husband (wife) seem to avoid closeness with people in general?
The cheating hurt you like it hurt me? I made this free affair recovery ebook to help you recover fast.
Avoidant Personality Disorder. Fear of Rejection, Pushing People Away
Sounds like in some serious cases some people just push others away to avoid rejection. If they reject anyone who gets to close then they avoid the hurt of being rejected themselves. It can reach such serious levels that it turns into a mental disorder that may require treatment. They reject people that never would have rejected them.
Avoidant Personality Disorder stems from an evasive pattern of social shyness, feelings of insecurity and severe discomfort of criticism which starts in early adulthood.
I am not saying my wife or your spouse suffers from ADP. However, they might suffer from a fear of rejection. They may feel a need to be standoffish once reaching an uncomfortable level of intimacy with their partner.
Share Your Opinion
What’s the worst that could happen to your relationship if your spouse has a fear of intimacy?
Fear of Committment
My wife seemed to fear her loss of independence. No matter how many times I offered help to get her driver’s license (yeah she doesn’t drive) or take her to the airport for her numerous trips to NYC she never felt comfortable in our relationship. She simply does not want to feel like she needs to ask for permission.
Sally Connelly, a 30-year plus experienced mental therapist, wrote some revealing insights into fear of commitment and why each person sees relationships differently.
I don’t know how your husband (wife) feels about togetherness. I assume that you and I think the same in regards to commitment, why else are you here? I love the idea of sharing a life together. I love sharing my time, feelings and emotions with a woman. I think it’s the greatest feeling there it.
Don’t get me wrong. I love hanging out with the guys. I am a huge sports fan and love to play sports. I definitely need my alone time to be with friends or just by myself. When I look over at my woman in the passenger seat as we drive to a night out together or I glance over at her next to be asleep in bed I feel at peace.
Loss of Independence and Fear of Rejection…
…You May Not See It This Way, But He (She) Might
The problem is your husband may not see it the same way. There could be other issues like fear of trust and not feeling good enough. Sally details out these issues and how your man may feel like he needs permission to ask to go out with his friends, much like my wife feels.
Even though you and I understand they need their alone time, they do not like the accountability and commitment to someone else. They do not like the idea of teamwork. They are lone wolves drifting along in life and prefer it that way over the long-term.
My wife loved traveling, date nights out, but it eventually exhausted her. My love and desire to share our lives together was like an eternal bonfire, her fire was only big enough to fit in a fireplace.
You know how hard it is to be in relationships. The fear of the unknown is scary. What if we give our hearts and our partner steps on them? What if we aren’t good enough and he (she) seeks someone better suited for them. You are never prepared for break up and certainly not cheating.
It Might Just Be It’s Easier to Cheat Than to Deal with You
Fright-or-Flight, run or hide. My wife was always uncomfortable about interpersonal conflict. The closest she got to dealing with conflict was sending me a text message. Perhaps it was her fear of conflict or just that she didn’t want to be told “no”. She was never one to like to ask for permission.
She enjoys the feeling of like a free bird flying to whatever branch she wishes. Maybe that’s why she wants to be a flight attendant. Nothing to hold her down.
I think all cheaters have this in common. They do not want to deal with break up or the possibility of a fight or the commitment that comes with being part of relationships to someone. As scary as it sounds it’s easier for some people it’s just easier for some people to run off with someone else.