“Should I Leave My Marriage after an Affair?”: Win-Win Survival

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should i leave my marriage after my spouses affair

“Should I Leave My Marriage after an Affair?”

You have a gut-wrenching decision to make.

To stay or end a marriage after an affair is different for you and every one else.

The circumstances vary between every body and thus the aftermath of your decision will affect all the other areas of your life.

I can see the sensitivity of this topic more clearly now after a few years of blogging on InfidelityFirstAidKit.com and receiving numerous emails from hurt spouses all over the world.

What seems so easy for one to decide to leave is practically insurmountable for another.

Every one has advice, but no one knows your life or heart like you do.

The internet is flooded with blogs implying that ALL marriages can be saved.

But they cannot, or they would.

Don’t Worry…You Will Be Fine No Matter What

(Just please make sure you are physically safe).

You’re going to end up okay no matter what you decide.

Either feel the relief of leaving a toxic marriage or save it and love each other again.

survive infidelity: leave my marriage or stay

“Should I Leave My Marriage or Keep the Life I Have?”

But whatever decision you make you must live with the outcome

Make no mistake this choice could impact the rest of your life or at least for a long time, so make the right one.

So don’t rush back in your spouse’s arms to avoid the facing the fear of the unknown.

Make the healthiest decision you can for you and your family and not fear-based decisions to stay married.

The good news is that no matter whether you stay or leave the relationship you will reap benefits.

No matter what you will gain something of value.

And this is the win-win outcome you should seek.

At Least You Have a Choice … I Didn’t

For me I was given two chances to decide to stay or leave the relationship after I caught my wife cheating. You can read my experience with infidelity here.

So two times I got to ask myself, “Should I leave my marriage?”, and two times I stayed.

But just like in the game of baseball here in the US, the third time I struck out- she left.

Honestly, it saved my life and gave me the opportunity to help you today.

Things were only going to get worse for me had I stayed with my serial cheating wife.

I have not entered a relationship since and it hurts sometimes, but my new life helped me discover my passion for blogging and internet marketing. You can also read about how I use a blog to tell my inspirational life story here. And you could do the same.

But one alternative will bring you more good than the other.

Choose wisely. Think everything through.

I’m here to help and I have provided you with some questions that I asked myself after catching her the first two times.

Before you listen to your heart and make a hasty decision that you wish you could do over, ponder the following…

“Should I Leave My Marriage or Stay?”

Questions to Ask Yourself to Help You Decide to Stay or Leave

Questions Regarding the Likelihood of Repeat Cheating

How likely will my spouse cheat again?
How many times have I caught him/her cheating?
Do I believe that he/she truly loves me and will make a strong effort to fix what caused him/her to cheat?
How willing is my spouse to re-commit to a life with me again for the long-term? Could he/she change the circumstances and mentality that led to the affair?
Has he/she completely shut down and now I have no idea how he/she feels about saving the marriage and rebuilding trust?
How likely will your spouse change his/her mind later if you both decide to stay married now, and end up cheating or abandoning you later?
Living with the Consequences of Repeat Cheating
If he/she does cheat again could I live with it or will it crush me? In essence, could I look the other way?
Why would I choose to live with a spouse that I believe is a serial cheater? What’s the benefit?

Dealing with Leaving

Would I stay married out of fear of loneliness?
Do I have a plan of where I would live if I leave my marriage?
Do I believe that I could take care of myself?
How will the decision affect your children financially if you left?
Do I have the confidence in myself to re-route my life and find meaning if I leave my marriage?

Contemplating Staying Married

Was he/she working on an exit strategy before I caught him/her, and now he/she is staying married while figuring out what to do next?
Would I stay married because I fear taking care of myself financially?
(If you are in a later phase of life) Would it be safe to live alone or do I believe I could find someone else?
Can he/she let go of their affair partner? If not, how long could you deal with watching your spouse mourn over losing their lover?
How regretful is your spouse for cheating and hurting you?
How will your children deal with your relationship if you both grow cold and distant?
Will your spouse commit to taking a sexually transmitted disease test?
If you both decide to stay married is either one doing so out of guilt or fear of the unknown?

These are some of the questions I had to ask myself and many of the thousands of viewers to this site have had to do the same.

One Sec … Check Out These Guides to Help You Decide What to Do Next…

I do my best from my experience to help you weigh the factors of deciding to stay or leave your relationship after an affair, but I highly recommend you read other resources.

Don’t just read my posts, emails and eBooks. Please take in as much good advice from multiple sources.

Here are a few that I have come across. I am looking for more. If you have found some helpful books or resources to sort out all the variables of this messy time please click here to fill out my contact form and send me a message.

[My following recommendations contain affiliate links in my review posts, which means I will earn a commission if you decide to purchase any. Those commissions help me run my blog, So if you do choose to purchase them than yes, please click my links to buy them. BUT only do so if you like the book, of course.]

I strongly believe in these books’ ability to help you make an informed decision that will affect the rest of your life.

The ones below come from a clinical standpoint written by marriage counselors who have logged thousands of hours with couples and individuals who faced infidelity,

“Break Free from the Affair” by Dr. Bob Huizenga

Dr H reveals his unique rating system of how likely your marriage can be saved on a scale of 1 – 10 and based on seven different kinds of affairs (reasons for cheating) that he describes. Then goes into detail on the best way you can save your marriage after you identify which kind of affair your spouse committed.

==>Read my PROs and CONS review of Break Free from the Affair and get a sneak peek.

“How to Survive an Affair” by Dr. Frank Gunzburg

Dr. Gunzburg offers a unique step-by-step approach to save the marriage for the couples who decide that they want to stay married. BUT the more unique feature of this eBook is that one of the chapters is designed specifically for the cheating spouse. This chapter instructs him/her how to win by trust and get over the pain of hurting their husband or wife.

==>Check out my review of How to Survive an Affair here.

“Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain” by Rona Subotnik and Floria Harris

To date this is the most complete affair survival book that I have found. I don’t think it offers the actionable advice that the two books above offer, and it’s NOT an eBook so it will take longer to receive via mail or taking a trip to the store and hoping it’s on the shelf. What I love about this book is that it gives you that feeling that you’re going to be okay no matter what by assisting those, like me, who did not stay married.

This book does a phenomenal job of not taking sides, allowing you to choose which path is best for those who ask, “Should I Leave My Marriage?” The authors break down many of the reasons people cheat and I can tell you from experience they are spot on.

If you want a resource to help you decide to stay of go then this one or Break Free from the Affair are two of the best I’ve seen.

Sorry, I don’t have a review of this book yet.

==> Check out the details of this book on Amazon Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain

Just Choose Wisely … Think With Your Head, Not With Your Heart

I can’t stress enough the importance of looking at all the angles both now and in the present while you ponder the question, “Should I leave my marriage?”

Don’t base your decision on feelings or fear like I did.

That’s why I recommend you learn as much as you can so you can allow your both your brain and heart to decide, not just your heart.

So let’s next take a look at the risks of staying or leaving your marriage after an affair.

Many of these I found out after the fact or from my dark experience long ago of dating a married woman.

Take advantage of my misfortune.

Risks and Rewards: “Should I Leave My Marriage or Am I Better Off Staying?”

“Staying in My Marriage”

“What Are the Rewards of Staying in My Marriage after His/Her Affair?”

The potential to grow your love stronger with your spouse because the affair could act as a trigger to identify underlying miscommunication and unmet needs.
Not having to completely alter your life and routines.
Building more memories together on top of the ones you already have.
If you live financially stable right now, then won’t need to re-plan your finances.
Not having to explain what happened to anyone.
Provided you return to finding your romantic passion towards each other, many sex filled nights again.
If you work it out then your children will not have to live through the divorce and bickering between two parents.

“What Are the Risks of Staying in My Marriage?”

Your spouse cannot emotionally let go of their lover and you will feel like an outsider, neglected and heart-broken.
Or worse they keep seeing and communicating with them.
He/she cannot stop thinking about the life they would have if they had left and you will feel the cold emotional distancing still.
Discovering the cheating is much worse than you thought.
Your spouse says they won’t stop cheating, but they do it again. They don’t know how to stop, they’re addicted.
If you find out they transmitted a disease than you may not have sex again, have to be very careful or you just flat out not want to.
You could lose time you wish you had back if later you change your mind.

“Leaving My Marriage”

“What Are the Rewards of Leaving My Marriage?”

Leaving a toxic relationship and feeling rejuvenated.
Not worrying about being cheated on and neglected anymore.
Freedom to explore all the passions and bucket list items you had to let go of due to other responsibilities.
Spending more alone time to find peace.
If your spouse truly acted narcissistic, resentful and selfish then you could set out to find your true soulmate.
Often times I’ve heard that the kids can see when their mother or father are being mistreated by a cheating, narcissistic spouse and would prefer the parents divorce.
A chance to prove to your cheating spouse that you can take care of yourself.
Chance to go after the career your more passionate about, if you can afford to.
Not worrying whether he or she is still cheating.

“What Are the Risks of Leaving My Marriage?”

Never marrying again. Sorry, it’s real, but it’s fortunately not a guarantee either. You can still find someone if you believe in love.
Struggling for a while to learn how to manage new responsibilities.
Dealing with the stress to make your own money and juggle your finances.
Losing your spouse’s family and relatives.
You could lose mutual friends who do not want to take sides.
If your spouse is from another country then you may lose out on unique cultural experiences or trips to his/her native land.

Please consider everything and do not rush your decision because you could make things worse.

I was lucky that she didn’t give me a sexually transmitted disease, take my money, convinced her to file for and pay for divorce instead of hiding and then dealing with the financial risk if she did something unlawful.

But I could have saved more time, prevented stress and protected my pride had I faced my fears of losing a companion.

I didn’t want to lose my companion. Some of my best moments in my life happened with her.

But then so did some of the worst after she kept lying about her trips to NYC, emotionally distancing herself and then sneaking off and leaving me for good.

Read these related posts of mine that might help you if you ask yourself “Should I Leave My Marriage?”:

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