10 Reasons Why Men Pull Away [When Falling in Love]

Orlando

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why do men pull away when they fall in love?

You’ll find many lists on the internet guessing at why men pull away when falling in love.

And honestly this one is no different in that respect- we’re all guessing (to an extent).

(There’s three big differences though between their lists and mine.)

1. No victimizing the guy (Although he probably made a big mistake).

2. Based by a “tough love” expert dating coach (my interpretation of the advice).

3. You probably won’t like my list because of that.

Why tough love?

Let’s face it, how would the basic blameful reasons help you (if the man’s immature anyway)?

OK. Fine, have it your way for one second before we get to my list…

Here’s everyone else’s list (I know because I looked at them) to describe your last boyfriend who vanished…

He…

is shallow
doesn’t want a long-term relationship
cannot communicate his feelings well
prioritized work over you
never had a long-term relationship
just wants sex
might be gay (probably not)
is not emotionally available
studies school work all the time
says you need to lose weight (yes, that’d be shallow)
complains you do not dress up enough (yes, that’d also be shallow).
doesn’t see your great values
got bored sexually

Okay I’ll stop.

But you already knew these reasons, didn’t you?

You did because we all have thought about them.

However, you pulled up Google and typed in searches for the question, “why men suddenly vanish from relationships (or something similar)”.

And why did you conduct those searches?

Because these answers don’t satisfy you.

If he truly was not ready or had no desire to stay with you then please stop reading and click out of this post.

You have the truth, but still want to know how to deal with men who disappear during the different phases of relationships.

However, let’s pretend that he did NOT leave because he’s shallow and all the other reasons above.

You wonder what you might have done to cause him to run, don’t you?

Warning: the list of 10 reasons why men pull away after falling in love might upset you (I mean it), but I am want you to find true love (I mean that too).

So I will pretend this tough love online relationship coach whose advice I base many of my dating posts on is the “love doctor“.

Let’s pretend I work for him as his nurse (hmm? I don’t like the idea of being a male nurse, but I’m confident in myself).

I believe these are some of the questions he might have me ask before he enters the room to prescribe some advice.

[Does James Bauer’s “Hero Instinct” Trigger Men to Chase Women? Read my review of “His Secret Obsession”]

10 Reasons Why Men Pull Away When Falling in Love

1. Did you become needy?

Could you have avoided his disappearance act or was it just not meant to be?

You know how you feel when a man constantly seeks you out (texts you, calls you, shows up at work, buys you endless gifts).

Many relationships are imbalanced, one person becomes more emotionally invested than the other.

Sometimes that imbalance tips the scales when one officially turns into the “chaser” and the other the “chasee”.

Did you become the “chaser”?

2. Did you fear he’d lose interest?

Most women and men fear the other losing interest when involved in a relationship.

But if you started to become needy and insecure then that could push the other person away.

Your fear of abandonment does not help draw us closer.

3. Have you ever mentioned your past negative experiences? How often?

Negative past relationship experiences affect us ALL, but how will dwelling on them help you now or in the future?

I created this website based on the worst case scenario that could happen- a cheating spouse.

Believe me I still think about how it felt to find out about my wife’s affair through a mutual friend. It sucked, but I slowly, but surely am learning not to judge or compare other women to her.

[Read related article: Guys Mixed Signals: 10 Signs Guy Not into You]

4. Are you sure there’s no other woman?

And on that note how sure are you that he didn’t have his heart on someone else?

Not to say he cheated, but was his mind still on any past girlfriends or spouses?

If you fell deeply in love with a man wouldn’t it be difficult to completely forget about him?

It goes the same way for us men.

Sometimes a major reason why men pull away from relationships is because they haven’t let go of their past loves.

5. When you fought how did he normally respond?

Perhaps he did have a problem with conflict resolution.

If he handled most disagreements passive aggressively then resentment probably built up until he burst.

I experienced that feeling before with a girlfriend who always had to be right.

I should have learned better coping skills with her though.

There are many ways to handle conflict resolution effectively instead of passive aggressiveness.

6. How often did the fights go unresolved?

Did either of you sense resentment still persisted?

Some arguments cannot go unresolved and just “swept under the rug”.

Building trust depends on our ability to negotiate differences.

7. When he made you angry how flexible were you?

You cannot avoid major disappointment in your partner.

We all experience that, even with friends, but how we handle the differences can make or break the relationship.

Maybe he had a point.

Did you listen to his side?

Would he say you usually understand his point of view?

8. How jealous would you rate him of you on a scale of 1-10?

Perhaps the jealousy got to him.

If it did then your relationship eventually would derail anyway.

In this case he became the “chaser”.

The level of imbalance of fear of abandonment got too lopsided.

9. If his last relationship was a long-term one, how did it end?

This one’s a lot trickier.

If it ended ugly then the list of possible issues that scarred him could be endless.

Hard to pinpoint any one.

I sometimes even worry about myself with how my last relationship ended and how it could affect me once I find the next woman I really like.

You get my point.

When men grapple with post-relationship traumatic issues from previous girlfriends or wives then it could be a major reason why men pull away.

10. How stable does he feel about himself?

In other words, how high is his self-esteem?

Does he struggle in other areas of his life that make it difficult for him to commit to a deep relationship?

Does he juggle too many decisions or display deep regret over other pursuits?

Bonus

What is your attachment style? What was his?

Knowing our relationship attachment styles (and our partner’s) can help gauge the health of our relationships.

Were you both compatible to each other or did you only have chemistry?

The online relationship coach for women I follow discusses this a lot on his blog and eBooks.

Chemistry acts like a match that starts the fire, but compatibility acts like the large logs in the fireplace that keep the fire going for a long time.

(HINT: “Compatibility” is not the same as “commonality”).

What’s the difference between Chemistry and Compatibility?

Summary of 10 Reasons Why Men Pull Away After Falling in Love (for no apparent reason)

Men aren’t always straight forward with their communication (wow! there’s some deep enlightenment). Instead of working things out many choose the easier route- they run away.

Many fun, loving relationships end abruptly for no apparent reason.

Many women like you wonder why suddenly he decides to leave.

And tens of thousands of women who ask themselves why men pull away after falling in love have turned to online dating and relationship coach Evan Marc Katz for advice.

Many women just like you want answers and have read my review on Evan’s most popular book that contains those answers.