You hoped for a miracle, but it doesn’t take much to see that your relationship is over. And you fear what lies ahead. In your wildest nightmares this wasn’t supposed to happen. But here you stand at the crossroads. One leads to divorce and life as a single. The other to a constant reminder of emotional anguish handcuffed to someone else who controls your heart-strings. But after you read this post you probably will agree that you’re better off single and “emotional cancer free” than enslaved to your cheating spouse’s unpredictability and disloyal behavior. If this describes how you feel than I recommend you check out my newest eBook. I created it just for you from my own personal experience of finding a new life of meaning and hope after my ex-wife’s affair, abandonment and our divorce… …Life Re-route: Survival List for Life Alone after Affair, Divorce and Abandonment
Simple. Your spouse believes a life with you impedes their happiness, perhaps he/she is even working on their exit plan from the marriage. They emotionally clocked out of your marriage a long time before you discovered the affair. This is a crack deep below the surface in your spouse’s heart that has been growing. The Other Woman (or Other Man) possibly aren’t even the focus of the exit strategy. He or she may just want a new life. Who knows? It doesn’t matter because your life is better off alone, or things will only get worse. They adamantly do not want a life with you, no matter your past history together or great moments. The fact that they stick around doesn’t necessarily mean they want to continue a life with you. It’s quite possible they just can’t leave yet or don’t know how. [Read my post Why Cheating Men Stay Married]
Even happy people fall into the pressure of committing adultery or emotional affairs. Life gets tough, boring, their spouse neglects them emotionally, differences of opinion in finances (or other major areas of life) polarize the couple and when along comes that angel who soothes the sadness. Often times this takes place with people close to the cheater whom they come in contact with regularly (neighbors, co-workers and even your best friends!) [Read “Office Friendship to Lovers: Heading Towards an Affair?”] But ultimately these are situational occurrences, not deep-seeded character flaws, or a case of your spouse missing out on something in their lives (example: a midlife crisis). [Read “Serial Cheater Profile Traits”] But in these cases where happy people cheat they feel sincere remorse for hurting their spouse. That’s to say they feel complete anguish over the possibility of losing their relationship with you and fight to stay with you like as described in detail in this article by Dr. George Simon. Even my ex-serial cheating wife felt ashamed and apologized, but she didn’t feel deep anguish over my pain nor contrition over any moral deficiency from her choices to cheat. Her main focus was to gain the freedom of making her own choices and finding a new life. Her guilt pertained more to getting caught and a fear that her “dream life” of moving to the bright lights of NYC and landing her dream job as a flight attendant could be derailed. That’s a BIG difference between remorse and guilt as this article I found better explains (link https://www.drgeorgesimon.com/shame-guilt-regret-remorse-and-contrition/) Unless your cheating spouse feels remorse and takes proactive action to prevent you from leaving and keeping the relationship intact- they do NOT want to fix the marriage!
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It takes two to have a relationship, but if you’re the only one who wants it and fights for it then you’re just putting off the inevitable. They will either keep cheating and breaking your heart or they will eventually leave. If you have never cheated then you have no idea how hard of work it takes to get away with. So please remember that you cannot control someone else’s actions, people will do what they want and, in this case, they have proven that they do NOT have your best interests in mind now or moving forward. The relationship remaining intact and possibly even the bond and communication between you two to strengthen depends on your betraying spouse. If any of these exist then I highly recommend that you consider moving on by yourself because you’re better off alone, provided you have a safe way of doing it while protecting yourself.
Your marriage will not survive if your spouse continues with his/her affair or even contacts the Other Person. Given the chance to have both options; the safety and comfort of staying at home with you and the pleasure he receives from his lover then they have no motivation to stop. And if this has gone on for a while despite your requests for him/her to stop then your spouse may never end it.
I receive numerous emails from betrayed spouses that discuss their serial cheating husbands/wives. If your spouse has a history of routinely seeking relationships with women/men outside their current relationship and presently continues to do so, then you are dealing with someone with deep-seeded issues who is emotionally confused and may not know how that he/she has a problem. How can you have a healthy relationship with someone who cannot control themselves?
He/she hasn’t and won’t on their own free will offer you an apology for hurting you.
They claim they want to fix things, but despite couple’s therapy and long one-on-one talk with them, they still want to hide the details of their affair/s. Even if they believe they wish to fix the relationship, how would you expect to fully heal and invest your feelings into it going forward? You will always wonder and periodically create mental images of the two of them together. You cannot build a healthy relationship this way.
Regardless of their reasons for attacking you, this is not the best situation for you. They could easily feel angry at you for getting in the way of their relationship with their lover. Your safety comes first, do what you must to protect you and your children’s safety before removing yourself from this toxic relationship.
Continued manipulation, contempt, criticism, stonewalling and other various forms of emotionally damaging behavior after infidelity does not point to someone who wants to keep and fight for a marriage.
Even if your spouse apologized and claimed to want to keep the relationship after the affair, how could you possibly trust that they don’t cheat again if they keep acting secretive. That certainly does not sound like someone interested in regaining your trust.
Apologized, talked the big talk, but doesn’t do any walking. With no proactive action where they go out of their way to prove they want you and only you then the words mean nothing.
However, with no communication to prove their action and promise of what they will do to prove their faith and how much they want and value you in their lives, then what reason do you have to invest your life into them any further?
Beyond this small list that your relationship is over, the bottom line is that your spouse does NOT want to continue with you. Regardless of the circumstances of how long you’ve been together or what you did together, he or she will not do their part. As traumatic as that is, you’re better off alone even if you do not have a plan for your future life yet. Take precautions to protect yourself both physically and emotionally. Seek help from family, friends, or anyone who will lend you a helping hand. Your relationship has turned toxic and only gets worse. The longer you wait, the harder it becomes to let go. No one wants to end up alone, but they also don’t want to relive sadness day in and day out and a constant reminder that the relationship is over.
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