If he’s been serial cheating how likely do you think he wants to admit he’s wrong? And even if he did how likely would he stop just because you caught him?

Hi, I believe my husband has had 1 or more affairs. I havent found any concrete proof but his actions, behaviors & treatment to me, also, he put me face to face with one of them, the other one i found a pic on his phone of him standing behind the female while she was looking at the phone blowing a kiss. Then another, i found text messages between him & the female. The thing that throws me off with that is that the wording didnt sound like him, the texts were long, & words were spelled correctly which is nothing like him. But i did confront him, stating what i found& he was quiet. I asked him, if he had anything to say?& he said, i dont know what to say. So then i asked, did you have sex with A? B?or C? Or all 3? He said, Hell no! & that was it. Do you think that sounds like a cheater?? Im just not sure. Ive waited for him to see his wrongs & to come be truthful. But im still waiting.

Hello, sorry about that. Please send it to infidelityfirstaidkit@gmail.com. I need to fix my other email address.

It hurt me to read this because I can feel your emotions. Some people, in this case, men, want two things that conflict 1) the rush and excitement of “falling in lust” 2) the healthy wholesome feeling of having a family. This person probably is not meant to have long-term healthy relationships. It’s likely they’re a narcissist, sociopath, or just not mature and selfish (without clinical designation).

I understand how you would feel Lillian. How could you feel completely safe after he said you no longer fit his needs? May I ask, have you challenged him to give you what you need? Now it’s your turn, right? I plan to write more posts for the cheating spouse who wants to fix the marriage. In fact, here is one Rebuilding Broken Trust: Steps Cheating Spouses MUST Take to Save Marriage.

Thank you for your insights regarding my husband. I think he tries to find the “why” he was unfaithful for so long. He says there are several reasons. He does have childhood issues, as he was never validated by his mother, he was never good enough. He joined the army at 18 and spent 22 years doing a job he loved. When he retired as a colonel, he felt he had lost a big part of him, he no longer felt the power, attention and respect that came with his job. This is also the time he started cheating. He continued to cheat to get that attention and admiration and validation that he believed he didn’t get from me. So he cultivated the part of his life that he felt gave him what he needed. He said to me that he didn’t see any point in working on us, as he didn’t believe that I could give him what he needed. He says he has always loved me, and never loved any of the others. He used them to serve and gratify his needs, nothing else. He dumped all of them the minute I found out. It has now been 1 1/2 years since D-day, and he is doing everything he can to make me happy, including working on himself to become the man I deserve. I still love him but I no longer trust him. I don’t know if I can ever fill his needs. He says he now sees what’s important to him in life. I am still confused how someone who loves you can decide to turn to others rather than express his needs to me. I question if he really knows what love is since he could lie, cheat, emotionally withdraw from me, play me for a fool and stab me in the back for so long. He was so loving and giving to all his secret affair partners, but the complete opposite with me. I have asked him why he didn’t leave and why he is staying now, he says it is because he loves me so much. He gives me full transparency and never goes away overnight anymore. He wants to live a life of integrity and be a man i can be proud of. I am just a little bit cynical about this complete turnaround when he not too long ago just didn’t care about me at all. I’m not prepared to give up on us yet, but I don’t want to be fooled again. I have my eyes wide open now.

I am so sorry for not responding to this comment earlier. The truth is that it seems that my back end system is preventing all comments from getting through. I had to look in the trash bin to find them all. Sorry again. I don’t know if this will make you feel any better, but your response is somewhat typical to the emails I receive. So do not feel alone. Your husband appears to have the traits of a serial cheater. He has no idea why he does it because the emotional issues that lead to his decision to cheat run so deep that he does not even see them. Most likely his self-esteem is very low, he needs the attention to validate his own self-worth. He has strung along all these other women too, making them feel important. No doubt he told them all sob stories of what he was missing in his relationship with you. And they all fell for it. But now he gets to “have his cake and eat it too” by staying with you in a safe life where he has a roof over his head and a bed to sleep in. And the sad part is I would predict that this is not over. And if he doesn’t stop what will you do? Unless he sees the problem lies within himself and wants to seek help to fix his own issues then you will live these nightmares forever. My question to him would be why do you want to stay married? What do you get out of it? Why do you want to stop cheating? Please keep safe and think for yourself. You may be standing at a fork in the road in which both paths lead to something uncomfortable. Which path leads to some kind of peace at the end?

Definitely know the feeling Mike. None of us want to believe that our spouses will cheat on us. So when it happens we still want to believe everything will turn around and work out. Thank you for sharing and if you feel like talking to someone outside the situation please send me a message on my contact page.