Sounds like you have a lot of feelings tied into this relationship. It certainly looks like you bend over backward for him, regretfully, it does not look like it’s getting the response that you want. At the same time, something that DOES look promising is that he has stuck around and that he still has sex and showers with you. Yet, it looks like you are the pleaser in the relationship- you give, he takes, and does not give much back. I can tell you as a man, when a woman assumes this role and gives so much it can get annoying at times, if you don’t mind me being direct. I know this sounds counterintuitive and even unfair, but it’s just human psychology. He talked to the woman from high school, she seems out of reach (not that he’s going to do anything about it though), something he cannot and will not have. One of the most effective ways to effectively coexist with men is to make us chase and strike fear in us that we might lose you. No matter how tough or even indifferent a man can act around a woman, EVERY man is scared to death of ending up alone and irrelevant in the world. Getting a man to chase means to make him work to earn your affection, attention and to value the fact that you CHOOSE to spend time with him. But you have to do it in the right way or it looks like you don’t mean it and he doesn’t believe it and instead are just acting in order to get a response. Then we just get more annoyed and lose respect for you. I write about this A LOT in my relationship content (non-infidelity content) in this blog and my Understanding Men Secrets Newsletter.

Sorry! Just saw your reply.
I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt connected to him. He likes when I make foods he likes or make his coffee every morning. He likes when we shower together. It’s something we have almost always done, I always wash him. It’s just our thing. Lately though, it seems like every simple conversation turns into an argument. I cannot tell you the last time he did something with me that I wanted to to do. For example, he gave me a gift card for Pinots Palette for Christmas one year (probably been five or six years ago now). I planned a night for us to go, I talked to him about it before, made sure he k ew when it was and the fact that it was also the night of his 20 year reunion. He said it was okay, go ahead, he did not want to go to the reunion anyway. Less than a week before, he changed his mind, made me cancel the paint night and get tickets to his reunion. He proceeded to spend the entire night ignoring me, drinking and mostly talking to a girl he had a huge crush on in high school (he has talked about her in many occasions). I asked him to go see a movie with me almost two years ago and he kept saying he would…we never went (this movie was in theaters for over two months). I don’t remember the last time he bought me a Christmas gift. Mother’s Day I get told, “You’re not my mom.” (Yes, he is mostly joking) I do the cooking and cleaning (no different than any other day). I haven’t asked him to go do anything I want to do since I asked him to go to that movie because I know it probably won’t happen. Last summer we went kayaking. I HATE the water, I have had too many near drowning experiences and it terrifies me, but I went because he wanted to. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t something I would choose to do. We go for drives because he enjoys driving places for no particular reason. I do not enjoy being in a car for very long. I take care of everything and when I ask for help, I get brushed off or he gets irritated because he “works and shouldn’t have to come home and clean.” I have health issues and it seems like every year or so something new happens. I am constantly exhausted, but I can’t even get help with figuring out dinner. His mom, for Christmas two years ago, gave her kids a family trip to DisneyLand…four grown kids, three married with their own kids. She plays favorites with her grandkids and our kids are old enough to notice (17 and 13). She insults me to my face and yet he never stands up for me. Then, I’m the bad guy for not wanting to spend time with her. I ask for help grocery shopping or running stupid errands because 1) I just want to spend any time with him I can- we live 45 minutes away from town 2) I am short and can’t reach a lot of things 3) I’m in a lot of pain and have difficulty with lifting things. He acts like it is such a burden to run errands with me. He gets irritated that he has to go to town. I have stopped asking and now he’s irritated that I don’t ask for help. I am not sure what I’m doing wrong. It seems like the only time we don’t fight is when we’re having sex. He says he loves me- it doesn’t feel like it. I try to tell him how I feel, he gets mad. I try to talk to him about mundane things, somehow it turns into a fight. Also, just saw on his phone recently that he has been looking at porn. No, I wasn’t snooping; my phone was not near me and I wanted to show him something and asked to use his phone. When it came up in the search bar, I showed him and his response was a nonchalant shrug and a, “Yeah?” I don’t know how many times he has made me cry lately and then, after making everything my fault, acts like nothing happened. I have suggested counseling and he just ignored it.
Sorry…that was a longer response than I intended.

It sucks to feel ignored, especially when your sex drive goes through the roof. May I ask, when he does engage with you and you feel connected, what are you doing in those moments? Or what kinds of conversations take place? In other words, have you noticed anything he tends to respond favorably to? Touching, showing interest in his passions, asking him for help in something he’s good at, etc?

Janelle
Such a devillish mind ,trying her best by her deviated,sick,selfish,sick,psyciatric destructive lust based on mere 3 or very limited number of cheating degraded wives as a best modern example and lessons to married wives
1)such wives wil beyray the first husband
With a lover while soon will fed up, by wishing to seek another lover,then another lover ….=longterm destruction
2) her children will be spermed by first husband,second ,or third without knowing while yet must belong to the first as janelle teaches us=longterm children effect destruction
3)her lust,her freshness,her passion by her age soon will be vannished=leaving longterm destruction….
4)what will all bennefit from those wives betrays compare with such stresful ,desieses destructive minutes of cheating wives lust and pasion????
interfering the family, separating the elektron neutron,the embrion of life,The atom of life will have the exact effects of
What atomic bomb does to our nature ,its aftermath, side effects is doing to our lives,families,couples ,,generations,elders etc etc

Lastly
May Almighty Lord eleminate such cancers, tumours ,illness from our pure blessed families.
MayAlmighty Lord guide those enemy family minds

And she left one more that I have not approved yet. It makes the other comments look PG-rated. I respect everyone’s opinion. So I am grateful she commented. But again, play with fire and you will get burned. Marriage is for TWO people who believe that together they can make a better life. I believe that you can still make a marriage strong after an affair, but you must believe that the benefits of long-term love conquers any “short-term” side gig. If you would like some help and hope getting past the pain of your affair check out my newest eBook “Win-Win Affair Survival: How to Save Your Marriage or Rebuild Your Life Alone”

Well I guess janelle has shown us men by example (by her flippant posts) just how manipulative, deceitful, and devious some women can be. Just wow….

I understand many of your points. It can be very challenging to feel excitement towards one person for a very long time. You inevitably will be attracted to other people along the way. Not to mention some partners take their spouses for granted. They begin to assume that just because the two are married that they can stop practicing good manners, they become disrespectful and resentful. Afterwards neither chooses to seek counseling or any kind of help. So the problems persist… or get worse. But either way this is a team. Teams win together and they lose together. When you got married you decided to create a team and then perhaps add to that team by raising children. Choosing to “go play for another team” could end up breaking up the team you signed up for. There’s a reason why someone sneaks behind their partners back to cheat. They don’t want to risk losing the benefits of what their “family team” brings them. Maybe it’s financial security, companionship of their spouse’s family members, a sense of wholeness by having kids, etc. It could be a lot of things. And someone who has an affair does not want to risk losing these benefits. Therefore, they do not want to get caught. So they benefit from both relationships. They get the ones I previously mentioned (plus others) in the marriage and then in the affair they receive: sexual compatibility, sense of manhood/womanhood, something new and exciting, the attention to details that their lover gives them that their spouse does not, etc. This is where the phrase “having your cake and eating too” comes to mind. Once the spouse discovers the affair (which is highly likely if it lasts a while) then it most likely will dissolve “the marriage team”- no more safety net. Then you most likely will never have long-term, out-in-the-open relationship with your lover either. Basically, you broke the rules of “the team” and decided to change the rule book without consulting your teammate (your spouse) and have created a new set of problems that probably will not have solutions. Solving one problem by creating another is not good strategy. The problems you mention with marriage are part of the risk of getting married. Get help or get out. But do not crush a bunch of other people’s lives because your own personal needs are not met. Some affairs take place partly because the cheating spouse wants to get revenge for their spouse’s neglect or mistreatment. That’s excessive. Again, what happened to working as a team? Figuring out a solution. FIRST you must do everything possible to fix whatever problem you have in the marriage. INCLUDING telling them that if this doesn’t get fixed then you can’t stay married. Get divorced, but don’t try to make things right for yourself by cheating AND keeping your marriage. Honestly this ruins people’s lives and then you go on with this black cloud hanging over your head. You don’t want to admit to potential future mates that you cheated and it feels awkward hiding it. And here’s a test… Imagine a cheating spouse admit the affair to their husband/wife and then advise them to have an affair too in order to even the playing field. Could you imagine the husband in this case taking her up on the offer? He always wanted to screw a blond so he finds one on a hookup site. How awkward would that family end up feeling later? How long would this marriage last before other issues start popping up? (I feel like I should write a post about this)